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Cleaning out the closet....

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Jan. 4th, 2008 | 07:44 pm
I feel...: crushedcrushed

Literally. Throwing away so many things because I am a pack rat and no one was home so I had nothing to do today at all so I have been sitting in my old room just thinking how much its not my room anymore and how sad that makes me. I did a huge cleaning in the closet and threw away so many little things that I have no idea why I was keeping them. Some things I could not bring myself to throw away even though I know I don't need them but I want them because they mean so much to me like notes, drawings, pictures from friends and little things from when I was little like projects or stories I wrote so long ago and reading them how they make no sense at all.

My room is so lonely now because there is no bed my sister decided she liked it so they took it out and put it in her room. My dad took the desk out cause my mom wanted it in her room and all thats in there is a dresser and thats it. I know I am coming home in may to live here again but it wont be the same as it was.... I am kinda weirded out about moving back in to my house, I am going to work through the summer and try and move out again but closer. I know that my mom and dad can't afford for me to live her with everyone here like they are and they need a break somewhere and I am going to try and give them one.

Going back to tucson next sunday with two new roomates moving in. I aqm hoping everything is still there that no one broke into the apartment while I was gone....my door is locked in case the roomates get there before I get home, which I am pretty sure they will be there the friday before I come on sunday. I hope they are nice boys and wont be party boys because that will just be weird with me not being a party girl. I just hope its not to akward and that we can all hang out and be friends or it could be the other way around where we all stay in our rooms and never talk. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

I have been pretty sick lately so I am going to the doctor on monday and my feelings are all in whack I feel really sad and then happy. I can't stick to one. I mostly sad because I really miss Bryce a lot, he meant so much to me and now he is gone. I lost a huge part of me and I feel like being alone is something so scary that I can't take it. I guess when cleaning out my closet I saw so much of what I was and its scary throwing some of it away. I feel like a shell walking around I don't even know who I am and don't know what to do with this "new" person I am supposed to be without him. I guess I was so naive and in love that I didn't want to think of anything but a future with him and now my future is such a blur and I am a blur and its all so much and I hate days of thinking.....it just makes a girl cry for a good part of the day.

Well I better go out of my room for a while so people know I am still alive.


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